Through Buckner's Legs

So many news stories in the sports world over the past few weeks and I’ve been MIA. Where do I start?

By tackling the Tiger Woods and Gilbert Arenas situations.

1. Tiger Woods. Yes I know that I’m 8 hookers and a transvestite too late on this story but I do have a few things to add. First off, not only should Tiger’s wife divorce him, but she needs to embarrass him too. Come on now, he’s had sex with at least 10 chicks that we know about! She could start by showing up at his tournaments holding hands with Phil Mickelson and kissing him while Tiger is analyzing the slope before his putts. It be way more distracting than Shooter McGavin’s friend harassing Happy Gilmore. Secondly, although I don’t condone cheating of any sort, I do understand his mistake. Woods is a billionaire. Everywhere he goes, attractive girls are throwing themselves at him. Supermodels, bartenders, waitresses, prostitutes, you name it. You mean to tell me that these 80 year old journalists who need performance-enhancing drugs to simply get an erection wouldn’t do the same thing in his shoes?

2. Gilbert Arenas - What’s so wrong with playing a joke on a teammate that involves highly dangerous firearms? Give me a break here! All joking aside, Arenas is dumb. But in the end does it really matter? No. No one was hurt. I’m way more intrigued by a fact that was uncovered during Agent Zero’s investigation: Arenas defecated in rookie Andray Blatche’s sneaker. What’s an awesome prank. He pooped in a teammate’s shoe! The press has dissected every possible angle from the ‘Arenas-firearm-in-the-locker-room story,’ but they can’t provide more than a sentence about his elaborate rookie poop hazing? At least tell me the reaction! Did Blatche wear the shoes again? What was his reaction? Did he ever end up putting them on??

I also love Gilbert’s reasoning about why he needed to store the guns in his locker: to keep them away from his kids. As of October, 2009, Arenas has a 3 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. Hmmm, so his children can barely walk, yet he fears that they have the ability to search the house, find the keys to the locked area where he hides his guns, find the ammunition (since they weren’t loaded), insert bullets into the firearms and fire them? That’s quite a stretch, Gilbert.