Through Buckner's Legs

So many news stories in the sports world over the past few weeks and I’ve been MIA. Where do I start?

By tackling the Tiger Woods and Gilbert Arenas situations.

1. Tiger Woods. Yes I know that I’m 8 hookers and a transvestite too late on this story but I do have a few things to add. First off, not only should Tiger’s wife divorce him, but she needs to embarrass him too. Come on now, he’s had sex with at least 10 chicks that we know about! She could start by showing up at his tournaments holding hands with Phil Mickelson and kissing him while Tiger is analyzing the slope before his putts. It be way more distracting than Shooter McGavin’s friend harassing Happy Gilmore. Secondly, although I don’t condone cheating of any sort, I do understand his mistake. Woods is a billionaire. Everywhere he goes, attractive girls are throwing themselves at him. Supermodels, bartenders, waitresses, prostitutes, you name it. You mean to tell me that these 80 year old journalists who need performance-enhancing drugs to simply get an erection wouldn’t do the same thing in his shoes?

2. Gilbert Arenas - What’s so wrong with playing a joke on a teammate that involves highly dangerous firearms? Give me a break here! All joking aside, Arenas is dumb. But in the end does it really matter? No. No one was hurt. I’m way more intrigued by a fact that was uncovered during Agent Zero’s investigation: Arenas defecated in rookie Andray Blatche’s sneaker. What’s an awesome prank. He pooped in a teammate’s shoe! The press has dissected every possible angle from the ‘Arenas-firearm-in-the-locker-room story,’ but they can’t provide more than a sentence about his elaborate rookie poop hazing? At least tell me the reaction! Did Blatche wear the shoes again? What was his reaction? Did he ever end up putting them on??

I also love Gilbert’s reasoning about why he needed to store the guns in his locker: to keep them away from his kids. As of October, 2009, Arenas has a 3 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. Hmmm, so his children can barely walk, yet he fears that they have the ability to search the house, find the keys to the locked area where he hides his guns, find the ammunition (since they weren’t loaded), insert bullets into the firearms and fire them? That’s quite a stretch, Gilbert.

In some professions, it’s okay to be hammered on the job. I am a bar back at a night club and I’m routinely intoxicated. All I do is replace bottles and stock beer, so the ability to concentrate is unnecessary.

In other professions, it’s not acceptable to drink on the job. For example, let’s say you’re an NBA Player. Shooting free throws, dribbling, playing defense, sprinting up and down the court without face planting, and not vomiting, each of these require focus.

Drinking alcohol impairs these abilities… do you hear that, Ron Artest?

In an interview with the Sporting News magazine this week, Artest announced “ I used to drink Hennessy … at halftime.”

Did he used to smoke weed during timeouts too?

The funniest thing about this revelation is that it is far from the craziest thing he’s ever done.  Ron Artest news stories aren’t even exciting anymore because one can always say “well, it’s still not as extreme as that time he ran into the stands and pummeled fans!”

Artest could murder puppies or show up to a Laker game naked and our perception  of him still wouldn’t change. Artest is insane. End of story.

The more important question is how does one get away with drinking during an NBA game? Who coached the Bulls from 1999-2002, John Daly? Wouldn’t it be hard to conceal a bottle of liquor?

“Hey Ron, do you mind putting down the Hennessey for a sec? We’re having a halftime speech here!”

Apparently Marion Jones is interested in playing in the WNBA.

Yes, this is the same Marion Jones that has spent time in federal prison and also had three Olympic gold medals taken away as a result of using performance enhancing drugs.

Hmmm, an ex-convict with roid rage… If the WNBA is trying to get me to watch, SUCCESS!

I think this is something the WNBA needs: controversy with a side of testosterone. Let’s be serious here, no one watches professional women’s basketball. It’s just plain boring. Missed layups, errant jump shots, and turnovers on almost every possession don’t make for good basketball (sorry Tyler!). Not to mention the shortage of attractive players.

I say let Marion Jones in. The WNBA needs the publicity badly. In fact, any ex-con with adequate basketball skills should be able to enter the league. Maybe we’ll be able to see some fights!

What about that Kenyan runner chick that used to be a dude? Can we get her a WNBA tryout too?

Speaking of douche bags, Jimmy Clausen was punched in the face over the weekend by a crazy fan. The Fightin’ Irish follower was apparently rather upset by Notre Dame’s loss to TBL’s alma mater, the UConn Huskies.

TBL has reason to believe otherwise.

If the fan was angry that Notre Dame lost, it would probably have made more sense for him to take out his aggression on Charlie Weis. Clausen actually performed very well in the loss while Weis is an awful coach, who would be much better off in New York training for the 2010 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.

We think the fan hit QB1 because he looks like this:

Or this (note the self made V-neck and douchey hand gesture):

Or definitely this:

Pay close attention to Mr. Clausen’s douchey rings and “blow-out” hairdo that resemble one who frequents the Jersey Shore. Yes these pics are a few years old, but they still clearly display his history of douchebaggery.

In other words, is anyone really that upset that he was punched? Were other fans lining up to follow suit?